god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
