This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
