so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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