Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
