Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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