They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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