she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
