I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
