I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
