Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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