So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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