Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
