who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
