I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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