I'm eating all of the evidence.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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