Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
