I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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