I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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