Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
