birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
