Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
