I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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