This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
