all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
