please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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