Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
