So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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