She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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