So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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