I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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