I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
