Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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