I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
