jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
