he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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