I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
