The maid of honor just puked.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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