Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
