Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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