I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
