dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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