and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
