Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
