we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
