I wish I could teleport
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
