I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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