YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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