So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
