I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
