i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
