It's like God shit irony all over that family
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
