i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
