How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
this must be what syphilis tastes like
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
