Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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